- "I was asked to perform a reading from a book. to this wide-eyed beautiful creature nestling under covers in front of me. I put a lot of effort in appearing maternal or calm or soothing, but am such a nervous and excitable person, I am not convinced I was the least sleepifying for this child. But I remember awkward people were my favourite when i was younger so this might just work. I put her to bed while everyone else was in the living room, smoking cigarettes and discussing politics and acting out their fantasies of being academic adults in brown cord trousers and v-neck patterned jumpers and not being ironic.
She held my hand. The fragile comfort-seeking action made something in my stomach twinge. Role reversal like in all those great shit Disney films. My hand reaching out seeking the comfort and grounding magic of an adult woman, even if not my mother. The intense connection felt with aunts and best friends of my mum's. The assumption of acceptance and love. Often this was what caused the love and acceptance that followed. I requested it in reverse. They offered it first before they knew they were doing it or I knew i was requesting it. And then the game of breathing. I could trick them into thinking I was asleep by imitating deep, slow breathing. I would relax my eyes just so they wouldn't flicker at all. I would assume the position I woke up in the morning in. Sometimes so convincing I would wake up the next day having failed to stay up.
I looked down at this girl. She was so beautiful. I felt rude staring at her. Intruding someone else's space for my pleasure. But yet I felt totally righteous standing there holding her hand with one arm and whispering my grandma's lullaby to her. I quietly removed my hand and blew her a kiss whilst i tiptoed out the room without turning my back on her. I would never be able to turn my back on a child, I realised. Particularly a sleeping one. I bet the burglars we had when I was little didn't either when I was asleep that time. They blew kisses at me whilst collecting our possessions and before emptying everything on the big kitchen table."
------
-always the one to have the last word:
will you read me from my book?
will you tell me a story?
will you make something up?
will you bring me some water?
will you tuck me in?
will you throw me a blanket?
will you put down my socks?
will you tickle my back?
will you kiss me goodnight?
will you turn the light off?
will you leave the little light on?
goodnight
goodnight
sleep tight
can you get the lights please?
yes
thank you
uh huh
mmmm
g'night
yeah you too
have fun in your dreams
meet me by the meeting point sign
i will
i'll be holding an umbrella
i'll be wearing dungarees
i'll be holding an ice cream and looking for you
i will too
see you then then
then then then then
can you stop it?
stop what?
speaking
i'm not. you're speaking.
ok
stop
i have.
good.
great. it's all good then
yeah everything's fine
is it? then why are you still going on about it?
i was only saying
you keep saying.
so do you.
shhhhh
i'm quiet.
good
good
am awake now.
no you're not
no i'm not.
shut up.
---------
so comfortable I could only assume I was alseep. or flying. I tried to roll over or move but I seemed to not have a body. I nodded my head as I got in the cloud of the first wave. Shivers and magic. I moved what could be my neck, a little. Despite the lack of body, I could logically piece together information to understand how to move. VK passes me the wine. I take a sip as I look at the cobbled street and my cobbled feet and the cobbled world around all cobbling on like nothing matters. Organic. And so very pixelated. I took a bigger sip and eased into the liquid feeling of flowing. I got all excited again, thinking of the movement of my skin against the fabric dressing it against the air against the breeze against the thousands of invisible touches to come. I passed the bottle on to the next person, noticing their dubious balance as they extended their grabbing arm with unsure fingers. I noticed how I was now raised to the top of my cartesian theatre, if a little off it- actually above it. I was sat cross-legged on the top left of my head. watching the show from the floor. arranging the blocks with playfulness or by luck.
She held my hand. The fragile comfort-seeking action made something in my stomach twinge. Role reversal like in all those great shit Disney films. My hand reaching out seeking the comfort and grounding magic of an adult woman, even if not my mother. The intense connection felt with aunts and best friends of my mum's. The assumption of acceptance and love. Often this was what caused the love and acceptance that followed. I requested it in reverse. They offered it first before they knew they were doing it or I knew i was requesting it. And then the game of breathing. I could trick them into thinking I was asleep by imitating deep, slow breathing. I would relax my eyes just so they wouldn't flicker at all. I would assume the position I woke up in the morning in. Sometimes so convincing I would wake up the next day having failed to stay up.
I looked down at this girl. She was so beautiful. I felt rude staring at her. Intruding someone else's space for my pleasure. But yet I felt totally righteous standing there holding her hand with one arm and whispering my grandma's lullaby to her. I quietly removed my hand and blew her a kiss whilst i tiptoed out the room without turning my back on her. I would never be able to turn my back on a child, I realised. Particularly a sleeping one. I bet the burglars we had when I was little didn't either when I was asleep that time. They blew kisses at me whilst collecting our possessions and before emptying everything on the big kitchen table."
------
-always the one to have the last word:
will you read me from my book?
will you tell me a story?
will you make something up?
will you bring me some water?
will you tuck me in?
will you throw me a blanket?
will you put down my socks?
will you tickle my back?
will you kiss me goodnight?
will you turn the light off?
will you leave the little light on?
goodnight
goodnight
sleep tight
can you get the lights please?
yes
thank you
uh huh
mmmm
g'night
yeah you too
have fun in your dreams
meet me by the meeting point sign
i will
i'll be holding an umbrella
i'll be wearing dungarees
i'll be holding an ice cream and looking for you
i will too
see you then then
then then then then
can you stop it?
stop what?
speaking
i'm not. you're speaking.
ok
stop
i have.
good.
great. it's all good then
yeah everything's fine
is it? then why are you still going on about it?
i was only saying
you keep saying.
so do you.
shhhhh
i'm quiet.
good
good
am awake now.
no you're not
no i'm not.
shut up.
---------
so comfortable I could only assume I was alseep. or flying. I tried to roll over or move but I seemed to not have a body. I nodded my head as I got in the cloud of the first wave. Shivers and magic. I moved what could be my neck, a little. Despite the lack of body, I could logically piece together information to understand how to move. VK passes me the wine. I take a sip as I look at the cobbled street and my cobbled feet and the cobbled world around all cobbling on like nothing matters. Organic. And so very pixelated. I took a bigger sip and eased into the liquid feeling of flowing. I got all excited again, thinking of the movement of my skin against the fabric dressing it against the air against the breeze against the thousands of invisible touches to come. I passed the bottle on to the next person, noticing their dubious balance as they extended their grabbing arm with unsure fingers. I noticed how I was now raised to the top of my cartesian theatre, if a little off it- actually above it. I was sat cross-legged on the top left of my head. watching the show from the floor. arranging the blocks with playfulness or by luck.
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