if you ever make a sound again i will stop.
right. get out of the car.
fine. bye
but we're only little. you'll leave us on the side of the road? mum, tell him. he's being ridiculous.
you are being ridiculous for christ's sake. if they get off, i get off.
right, well then you'll all get off. i won't discuss this further.
dad this is not FAIR!
life is not fair.
but what did we do? what did i do?
get out i said.
but mum-dad-why- it's so hot. but why? why don't we go to the beach? let's be together. it's all ok. come on. COME ON. why? will we ever get to the beach? mum? MUM.
come one girls. let's get off here. your father. has made a.. decision.
my feet burning on the tarmac. little stones nestling in the crack between my big toe and the second one. everything feels vague and dusty and brown. the sound of zooming traffic is perfectly spaced out, keeping time. reassuringly, my hand braids through my hair. scalp still hurting from the last bout of lice. i look at my sister's feet. the bottoms of her soles so dark and her little skinny legs are dancing around each other. blinding sun and no uncovered human in sight. only machines with men in them. i feel so female. i feel so small. our mum, never good with heat, is huffing and wiping her heavily perspiring forehead with a scarf, whilst looking through her bag for her credit cards squirrelled away in pockets of other pockets. bags in bags and tissues and wet wipes and sun cream and mum smells. she finds her sunglasses and put them on. another huff and she's realised she has a tenner. she folds it in half. she unfolds it with her thinking look. she folds it lengthways. puts it in one of many pockets. i am hungry. i miss dad. i'm sad he must be feeling so sad about this situation. he must be feeling guilt and he must be trying to think of a way of returning and making this all ok again. i'm really hungry. i want all four of us to be together. the way it's always been. all happy and safe.
mummy i need a wee.
oh for god's sake. let him calm down and he'll come back for us. i promise. come on, let's find a toilet. and some water. or maybe we can get a taxi. let me see, i think i have some money in my bag. (i don't tell her i saw her put it in that pocket. there's no point engaging further with decisive crisis-solving mum. just follow her instructions holding her hand and smelling her wonderful perfume. mums are so beautiful. will i be so beautiful when i'm a mum too?)
mummy i'm hungry. mum it's so sunny.
i'm so angry with him.
where did he go? is he coming back?
i don't know, darling. i don't know.
mum i need a wee. oh i'm so thirsty.
here, put your hats on. i can't find my card to get cash out. we have to wait for him. ok let's just start walking, show him we're fine without him.
(...)
mum dad is here. he's stopped the car. shall we get in mummy?
i want to get in mummy.
mum.
ok. get in girls.
(...)
who wants an ice cream?
who wants some water?
shall we go to the beach?
dad, we want to inform you mum is angry and not talking to you because you left us on the side of the road for a long time in the sun in the middle of nowhere.
dad, can you turn the radio on?
dad can we sing again or will you get angry?
only if you don't shout while i'm trying to find my way on this stupid island. i can't get lost again. we have no petrol!
dad, where did you go when you left us?
i drove around and felt really really bad and stopped and did a turn.
but it felt like HOURS.
it was only 5 minutes. are you crazy? i would never have properly left you without your mum. you just infuriated me with your screaming and i was trying to concentrate on the road so we don't crash!
You should learn how to drive more confidently or let someone else drive then! your little birds, you threaten to leave on the road for no good reason! i am SO angry with you.
well well. ok.
(...)
who wants to go to splashworld?
ME ME ME ME!!
and you?
no i'm ok thanks. i want to go home.
oh come on. i'll buy you an ice cream my gorgeous. i love you you know.
just leave me alone ok?
ok ok.
mum, it's fine, dad is not annoying now, come on let's go to splashworld!
don't you dare do that again.
cooomee oooon it wasn't thaat bad.
you don't know what you're saying you silly silly man.
come on honey.
dad, will you get on the water slides with us?
oh no, here we go again. bleuuugh do i have to? fine, if you insist... sorry, duty calls.
-make sure they're safe!
i will and you put on some more of your tanning oil.
pfff (she smiles at him).
(if you have ever felt insecure, i challenge you to imagine what life might be like when you're going through it without holding anyone's hand or resting your face on their belly when you hug them or laughing at Peter Sellers on tv on a hot sunday night with them. it's a bit like looking down a cliff. it's a bit like looking in the mirror. apparently i am immature. but i'm not, i'm just inexperienced.)
right. get out of the car.
fine. bye
but we're only little. you'll leave us on the side of the road? mum, tell him. he's being ridiculous.
you are being ridiculous for christ's sake. if they get off, i get off.
right, well then you'll all get off. i won't discuss this further.
dad this is not FAIR!
life is not fair.
but what did we do? what did i do?
get out i said.
but mum-dad-why- it's so hot. but why? why don't we go to the beach? let's be together. it's all ok. come on. COME ON. why? will we ever get to the beach? mum? MUM.
come one girls. let's get off here. your father. has made a.. decision.
my feet burning on the tarmac. little stones nestling in the crack between my big toe and the second one. everything feels vague and dusty and brown. the sound of zooming traffic is perfectly spaced out, keeping time. reassuringly, my hand braids through my hair. scalp still hurting from the last bout of lice. i look at my sister's feet. the bottoms of her soles so dark and her little skinny legs are dancing around each other. blinding sun and no uncovered human in sight. only machines with men in them. i feel so female. i feel so small. our mum, never good with heat, is huffing and wiping her heavily perspiring forehead with a scarf, whilst looking through her bag for her credit cards squirrelled away in pockets of other pockets. bags in bags and tissues and wet wipes and sun cream and mum smells. she finds her sunglasses and put them on. another huff and she's realised she has a tenner. she folds it in half. she unfolds it with her thinking look. she folds it lengthways. puts it in one of many pockets. i am hungry. i miss dad. i'm sad he must be feeling so sad about this situation. he must be feeling guilt and he must be trying to think of a way of returning and making this all ok again. i'm really hungry. i want all four of us to be together. the way it's always been. all happy and safe.
mummy i need a wee.
oh for god's sake. let him calm down and he'll come back for us. i promise. come on, let's find a toilet. and some water. or maybe we can get a taxi. let me see, i think i have some money in my bag. (i don't tell her i saw her put it in that pocket. there's no point engaging further with decisive crisis-solving mum. just follow her instructions holding her hand and smelling her wonderful perfume. mums are so beautiful. will i be so beautiful when i'm a mum too?)
mummy i'm hungry. mum it's so sunny.
i'm so angry with him.
where did he go? is he coming back?
i don't know, darling. i don't know.
mum i need a wee. oh i'm so thirsty.
here, put your hats on. i can't find my card to get cash out. we have to wait for him. ok let's just start walking, show him we're fine without him.
(...)
mum dad is here. he's stopped the car. shall we get in mummy?
i want to get in mummy.
mum.
ok. get in girls.
(...)
who wants an ice cream?
who wants some water?
shall we go to the beach?
dad, we want to inform you mum is angry and not talking to you because you left us on the side of the road for a long time in the sun in the middle of nowhere.
dad, can you turn the radio on?
dad can we sing again or will you get angry?
only if you don't shout while i'm trying to find my way on this stupid island. i can't get lost again. we have no petrol!
dad, where did you go when you left us?
i drove around and felt really really bad and stopped and did a turn.
but it felt like HOURS.
it was only 5 minutes. are you crazy? i would never have properly left you without your mum. you just infuriated me with your screaming and i was trying to concentrate on the road so we don't crash!
You should learn how to drive more confidently or let someone else drive then! your little birds, you threaten to leave on the road for no good reason! i am SO angry with you.
well well. ok.
(...)
who wants to go to splashworld?
ME ME ME ME!!
and you?
no i'm ok thanks. i want to go home.
oh come on. i'll buy you an ice cream my gorgeous. i love you you know.
just leave me alone ok?
ok ok.
mum, it's fine, dad is not annoying now, come on let's go to splashworld!
don't you dare do that again.
cooomee oooon it wasn't thaat bad.
you don't know what you're saying you silly silly man.
come on honey.
dad, will you get on the water slides with us?
oh no, here we go again. bleuuugh do i have to? fine, if you insist... sorry, duty calls.
-make sure they're safe!
i will and you put on some more of your tanning oil.
pfff (she smiles at him).
(if you have ever felt insecure, i challenge you to imagine what life might be like when you're going through it without holding anyone's hand or resting your face on their belly when you hug them or laughing at Peter Sellers on tv on a hot sunday night with them. it's a bit like looking down a cliff. it's a bit like looking in the mirror. apparently i am immature. but i'm not, i'm just inexperienced.)
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