being serious

seriously,

no sugar for me. nothing to change the mood. i have elaborately devised the code for my present and stuck the nails ready for all the snapshots i'll collect next.

i have plugged myself in every wave of information passing by and sustained interest for as much as possible.

seriously,

no sugar for me. i have moved my labels from 'desperate' to 'baseline'. cool and calm as a cucumber. with the frustration and agony of having no soul, face or limbs.

i have rejected myself from the mainframe and told me i can no longer float. i have tortured my brain as much as possible.

seriously,

no sugar for me. my teeth are rotten and i can't afford to expend any energy in the process of buying toothpaste. transforming the current state to the one of preference, inspires more courage than admiring my pathetic state.

i have adored and idealised my behaviour. and told me i am the bestest. i have wrapped me up in as many warm things as possible.

 

Foamy (neck)

Discipline Act.

Fighting to wake before mid morning snack, before breakfast.

To impress the aging audience. They clap very slowly, having no life left in them to gasp.

Kicks, punches seem aimed right, but unluckily no actual movement is taking place. It's all a vision, while I'm sat in my chair.

Trails of hand movement, confused with excitement and magic.

I came home to find i had nothing.

The memory of imagined possessions often greater than the truth.

'Hush' they told me.

Communal audience somewhere outside here. I'm sure they are judging and trying to help. Whispers inhaled.

My hair, my parting, the hairclip all glimmer from this perspective.

But the effort to maintain belief of my reality is getting the best of me. Maybe it's time to forget how to do it.

if's

If we were to live together we would have a ridiculous collection of clashing colours in everything.
it would violate the eye and make the place intense and comfortably messy.

if we were to live together, we could override the normal mode with intense sleeping and intense awakeness, sandwiching periods of childlike conversation.

if we were to live together, we would be the coolest and calmest company. people would visit and sit and feel at home, whilst perfectly entertained.

if we were to live together, we would magically maintain everything working, without severe peaks and troughs in activity; our sink would work; our plants would be watered; our receipts kept in the envelope in the kitchen drawer; our sellotape would be tabbed for next use; DVDs forever in their own cases and if borrowed, returned on time before the fine.

if we were to live together, our toothbrushes would never touch heads, but always share the base; our cutlery and crockery would always be clean, and never be messy or god-forbid-misplaced; our socks would be paired, right from the start till the end of their lives.

if we were to live together, our collective cooking book library would be so big we'd have to build an extra room for it; our trinkets and presents would adorn every shelf and bare surface, signalling condensed memories and fading inside jokes, from both our pools of life.

if we were to live together i would be jealous of everything you touch and look at that is not me. but i would learn to hide it and be carefree and tie my hair up with pencils or paintbrushes. i would enforce rules that you could not stand, like informing me of your exact itinerary for your lazy Sunday, or ensuring each meal you consume features protein and carbohydrates.

if we were to live together i would not be able to sleep unless i knew you were safe. i would check on you every night to make sure you are still breathing.

if i were to live with you, i would be exactly the same as I am now, but without the pretence of autonomy and other interests. i would focus all my energy onto you, confusing and scaring and freaking you out for sure.

if i was to live with any one person, i would have to teach myself to take things slowly. learn to enjoy the in between stages of everything.

but how cool would that be