all moi (In Summary Part 2)

it wasn't you. it was all me.
i substituted everything problematic with my positivity for you.
it's never been you.
it's always been me.
plagued with unshiftable weight hats forever.
i tried to take them off but to be honest i don't quite know how big they are.
i asked you to tell me.
you got under them and looked at me with playfulness.
i asked you to tell me how big they are.
you kissed my forehead with certainty
i asked you to describe them to me.
you shook hands with me and locked your fingers around mine.
but i asked you how they are.
not to share them.
they are all mine.
not yours to carry.
really not yours to carry.
i'm not yours to carry.
i'm only yours to look at.
yours to believe in.
yours to remain.
my disorders.
all poured into a mould
that went on to mould my energy for you.
i used you.
carelessly and greedily.
but you kissed me on the cheek.
sturdily and with disappointment.
and then i caught your shadow with the corner of my eye.
and didn't understand.
you didn't understand.

{this is the fly's poem to the light, written in blue ink a year later.continued from 'In Summary'}
it goes with this song: